Baby I wanna be your girl

It's hard to make tough decisions. I guess that's why they call them tough. In the end, I know I'll break. But I feel I have to do it. There's nothing there telling me that he loves me anymore, and I've always felt, since that day, that maybe we shouldn't be. So maybe, just maybe, I'll do that hurtful task. The task that'll make me a living potato for many months.

Have you ever thought that, maybe...

So I'm thinking of reinventing myself, which of course, will turn out into a disaster of some sort. But I'm bored of being boring. I want to have more fun, do more things, stop being on my period, and go to a pool. And shut up about tampons already - a fake dick up me ? No thanks. Lol. I find them uncomfortable. Okay, enough about bloodly fluids.

Reinvent.

But what's fun to do?

Who wants to go bowling? Why am I asking here though, this question is only directed to the two or three people who actually read this, and they'll probably say no and not even reply. Lamos.

She ready for robot

Sigh, I blog too often at some stages, than neglect it during others. Anyways.

During schoolies week I had this conversation with a friend.

Friend: did you go to schoolies?
Me: Nah
Friend: why not?
Me: I'm lame.
Friend: lol, what about rinsma?
Me: He went with mates
Friend: are you scared he might do something?
Me: I trust him lots. He promised he won't do anything stupider than he already is.
Friend: lol. thats good. at least you trust him enough


Nice to have your chat logs save.

Come and have a drink with us

If you know me well enough, you'd know I don't drink alcohol. I'm not a fan of drunken parties and the stupidity it brings out in people. I can be high with Janice and we'd have had nothing to drink, smoke, inject, swallow or however else you can take drugs.

But it's time I get out of my soberness and attend an eighteenth. As you can imagine, there'll be alcohol. And yes, I'll drink. I don't care if I have someone there to look after me (person I'm thinking about probably has a graduation party to attend the same night) I'll just make a fool of myself and wake up with a hangover in the morning.

Yay.

Just go ahead now.

I can't hold it in. I thought I could forgive and forget. But forgetting is so hard. Every second in my head I picture the moment and I burst into tears. Life is hard and I wish this phase goes away because I can't live like this forever.

Only believe the things I wrote.

Maybe I deserve what happened. I've cheated on a boyfriend before. But he didn't care, he just found it as the perfect excuse to leave me. Well, he didn't know for a while. But he always wanted to leave me and I couldn't leave him because it made me feel horrible. Gosh, guys suck.

Get your boys, gonna make some noise -- Wanna get diirty

I really thought Saturday was going to be a good day. I was so happy, waking up in the morning, knowing I would see him that day, even though it was a certainty. But instead my whole day falls a part with a couple of sentences. I wish I could rewind and change things, anything, just so the outcome turns into something different.


My heart has never broken beyond repair.

Sleeping Beauty

Every moment I feel like crying. I can feel my strength deteriorating.

I can't be bothered anymore. I just want to sleep until life gets better.

When I grow up I want to be famous

Dear Arsenic,

There's so much I want to say but I am unable to think of the words to use. Firstly, I miss you.I miss the way apple seeds fall down my throat as I eat the core, and your substance reaches my digistive system. That's the best, the feeling of arsenic, shield away from my body's reach. If it weren't for that coating, I may die. But because of your lusious poision being inside those seeds I swallow, I wish for one day to be immune to arsenic poisioning. Arsenic, that's not what I wanted to tell you at all.

I miss the way things use to be. The way things were iffy, but exciting at the same time. Those things we did, that we weren't so sure about, but knew we wanted deeply. It's those times I miss. Now everything is always the same. We always do the same things. Arsenic, please change. But whatever you do, don't become Cyanide. I heard she can be a bitch, and Arsenic, I don't want you to be a bitch.

From Delilah.

Graduation

It's not my fault you're in love with me, or something

Without realising that I was walking up the dodgey stairs attached to the stage in our Student Activity Centre, I graduated. This all happened yesterday and already it feels more like weeks ago. A lot of people cried and Sharnna takes pride in making those people cry. Unbeknownst to her though, I did not cry. And I don't intend to. Sure, it's sad; the cohort will never be in the same area together again. Well, if you're technical about it, that's probably the first time we ever were in the same area. People wag. People get sick. People have holidays during the school term. People have excursions. We probably never have been in the same area (in the school gates) together, as a cohort until that day. And that day will also be our last.

The good thing about this is that, those you're friends with, you'll surely see again. Unless you weren't really friends. And to the rest --

fuck you.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you were to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on your shelf with good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

Last day of school

Tuesday was the last day of formal schooling and looking back at it, it didn't seem formal at all. Most of the day was filled with signing t-shirts, books and my sarong. As the grade twelves do every year, some people did stupid stuff. Some was harmless, others were not. Friends of mine turned a classroom upside-down. That was probably the least harmless prank pulled off. Nick brought four bags of flour to school to flour Jakob. He also rebelled against the sock policy and wore rainbow toe socks. Or as he called them, socks that are individually toed. Amazing. We wrapped Luke up in glad wrap and drew boobs on the plastic like the mature grade twelves we are. Sharnna managed to put glitter in peoples' hair and the fans. And Sam, Kelsey and I flew a kite in maths.

But it's sad to say that, after 12 years of schooling, we still spell 'made' m-a-y-d-e.

Love is a game,

Just meant to be played.

Love is a game,

And overly cliched

It's full of lovers,

Cheaters and one-night stands

It's full of trust,

Honesty and multiple hands.

Photo credit to someone on DeviantART

Pure Morning

I find it hard to trust people now.

Trust is a part of friendship.

I find it hard to hold a friendship.

Promises are made to be broken

Why is it, the promises I make myself are the easiest to break? I told myself I'd have my P plates by the time I finish high school and I find out I still have around 15 hours daytime and 9 hours night time to go.

I hate learning, I just want my P's. I'm thinking about B.Sing it.

Grade 12 legal, 2009 <3

I've talked too much about relationships, the I, myself, think that's all I know. So, instead, I'll talk about high school. How it's almost over. How starting grade twelve first like moments ago, and starting grade eight was only last year.

Remember stepping into the gates as a grade eighter, lost and insignificant? Remember the grade twelves, rude and full of hatred, treated us like their little brother or sister that drives them nuts. Now, we're reaching the end.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time. What am I meant to do now, that, after my whole fourteen years of education, I just throw myself into another four - six years. My life so far, was school: is school. I've had the taste of work and didn't like it. Maybe I should just attend university for the rest of my life.

The last day of the last full school week -- EVER

Everyone had cameras.

It was also free dress - Melbourne Cup theme

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I want to write a love letter, but I fail at expressing love in more than four-letters. Three, if you think dirty. Taking out a quote from a book, I'd say "I wish I had a dick so I could clearly express my admiration for certain people."

Words don't have enough meaning when it comes to expressing one's love. Photos speak a thousand words, but I don't even have enough photos of us to place into a photo album. That's probably the only thing I hate about Rinsma - photos scare him. Sheesh. I'd love to have countless photographs with him. It'd make me rather happy, it would.

On another note: hatred. It's okay to hate someone, but after years of not talking, wouldn't you slowly get over it? Instead, the hatred has tightened. Sigh. I'm sorry for being your ex-girlfriend. I'll try harder to be maybe no one instead.

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The offical video clip would't embed.

I hate Smallville.

A chemical reaction

In a relationship, you have elements called trust and honesty. To me, those two elements have become that hardest to keep ahold of. Maybe because they've finally turned into gas, instead something solid and easy to hold onto.
Halloween keeps replaying in my head. My dreams include those moments, but overexaggarated and with unicorns and fairy floss, because, as I said, its a dream. But that moment, in my head over and over again, allowed it to boil. Now it's steam, and hard to grasp onto.
Of course, this chemisty metaphor may be all wrong, I haven't done science since grade nine.
But, back to honesty.
Halloween wasn't dishonest. But I can't trust him to be honest anymore. He doesn't tell me how he feels as often, because he doesn't want my mood to go from positive to negative. I don't understand him, so this may be all wrong.
But it's annoying. And it hurts.

So my question remains;
How can I be in a relationship if I can't trust the person?

Two More Days

There's only two more days of full school days left.
Friday: Free Dress
Monday to Monday: Exam blocks (Monday to Wednesday for me ^_^")
Tuesday: Last full day ever
Wednesday: Grad Prac.
Friday: Graduation, pre-formal, formal and after party.


So much is happening at once, I don't know where I'm going.

10, 603

So I hit my first writers block at 10, 603 words. Sigh. It's frustratingly annoying. If only I could write perfect prose non-stop for hours on end and hit my 100, 000 goal (double of what I actually need by the end of the month, but that's the length of a good manuscript and I would love to publish a book). According to my formatting (times new roman, 12pt, double spacing which gives 300 words roughly on each page) I have 42 book-length pages. Yay.
If I were a reader, I'd have finished my book by now.

NaNoWriMo.org/eng/user/556071

So, I'm currently doing NaNoWriMo -- 50, 000 word story in 30 days. It's the second day today and I'm up to 6542. I'm estatic. But I've looked into the statistics. Twilight is around 110, 000 words long and 500 pages. So, I thought, since I like reading long books, my novel should exceed this 50, 000 word limit by 51, 000. So, instead, after winning the competition, I'm going to just write another 50, 000 during my school holidays. Do I have a life? Yes, I do. I've seen Rinsma most of yesterday as well as went out for dinner. Today I had a normal school life, with NaNoWriMo's story saved on my USB. Maybe I should eat lunch at school and then go to the library and cram a NaNoWriMo session there.

I'd love to publish a book.