Marie, Marie

You know today's bad when a English illiterate person says something rather profound: "In the end of the day, they (friends/lovers) aren't there for you." Who said that? Well, my mother.

You see, it's days like Australia Day, Christmas, Birthdays and the lot when I realise I don't really have true or close friends, just accomplises (spell check?).

The only person I really ever see is Daniel. But he has friends of his own and I swear he must've been like, Mr. Popular or something. I don't have that many close friends. Not even one really.

If the other person doesn't consider you a close friend, should they still be considered yours?

You know they don't consider you a close friend when they bail on you to fuck their boyfriend.

I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I fake it so people don't worry, but I've recently realised that it has a negative effect on me in the end. Especially in my brow, as it's been furrowed from trying to stop tears all day and last night.

I feel pathetic. Let's all pretend I died today.

It's gonna be the day

I had an awesome plan concocted in my cranium: burn down all liquor stores and suppliers. But, as I would have soon realise, alcohol and fire is a dangerous combination and that I should get over my negative obession to alcohol.

I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Oh well.

Girlfriend now...

Peer pressure: this isn't a type of pressure you put on a wound such as a snake bite.

No one's pressuring me, but I feel like I have to still anyways. What do I have to do? Attend parties. Drink at parties. Tell stories about how I cannot handle a simple intake of alcohol.

But I don't want to. But I want to hang out with friends, and they all seem to go to alcoholic gatherings. I find this rather lame, to be totally honest. Why do you need to lubricate your throat with an unhealthy substance to attain stupidity?

What type of drunk am I?

A slut. That's what.

"Is that a good thing? No it's bad bitch."

I don't even attend these types of parties because their influence rubs off on me - the being drunk influence, not the type of drunk they are. Which is rather bad.

I had a whole idea for this blog last night but I can't remember most of the things I thought about before I slept last night. Sigh.

Overall - my mind set is against drinking and I cannot change it no matter how much I try. I roll my eyes at stories about vomitting because you drank to much. Or when such-and-such did a tumble dive off the roof into a pool.

You get me closer to god

There's a couple of downsides to school starting up next week, even though I'm not attending high school anymore.

1. I can hear the school bell from my house. The first bell goes off around 7:50 - I don't want to wake up so early for no good reason.
2. I can't go anywhere in the afternoon because my aunt thinks my little cousin is incapable of walking 20 minutes to his own house. I'd like to have a life, thank you very much.

That's really all I have to say about school. I heard the bell today and questioned why. It's Saturday and school doesn't start until Wednesday. Are people retarded? And I don't mean that in a mean way towards people who suffer medical impairments of some kind.

I think I'm just ranting.

One thing I wanted to say was about vulnerablity. I think I scare easily with things I'm not use to. Like walking through the bushes around 3 in the morning. Or meeting more than one person at a time and having no one to fall back on. Things like wanting to please, but not doing something stupid that will then be something you're well known for - stuffing up and embarrassing yourself.

Who knows. I'm just weird.

I'm thinking about planning bowling next Saturday, 6pm-8pm. Iunno how that'll go down though. I have to ask mother first. Maybe bring some people back to my place and play some PS2/Gamecube/movies/Twister.

Huh, killing in the name of

No, I haven't forgotten about Delilah Make Believe. It's just that I know reserve this blog for 'deep thoughts' and big things that I'm scared about. It's hard to keep track of two blogs.

For those who haven't noticed my GIF to the side is a link to my other blog, here's the URL

http://another-project365.blogspot.com

I'm not the only one on it - Kevin is too.

And sadly, I'm too busy to continue writing or to post my post from yesterday or today on Project 365.

Sigh.

*Metallica solo*

So I got accepted into my third preference - Bachelor of Journalism at Griffiths; Gold Coast. Looks like I'm going to move out. I'll need people to bunk with though, so I'm asking friends/looking at the off-campus options. I really hope I get a surprise offer in the mail other than Griffiths, they have a bad rep for Journalism (required an op 12, QUT and UQ were looking for op 9, now you know why I hate my 10).

I hope things work out.

Daniel is doing an electrican theory at Brisbane Tafe. So there'll be distance. And I had this vow for no more long distant relationships.

Sigh.

Minx's bell

There was a group of people gathered around a small movie projector in the media room of the studio. According to the director, these people - actors - were to stage act a movie from a long time ago.

"Yes, freeze the frame here," the director called out to another person who controlled the footage. He then faced the actors, "see this girls expression? The longing in her eyes. The unsurety of asking whether or not she can join. She wants to get out of her boredom. She wants to do something exciting. The old movies may exaggerate expression, but there's so much feeling to them." He pointed to a female actress in the front row, "and you have to be able to get the same emotion.

"You see, this girl wants to go with him, where he's about to have fun. She rarely has fun, she wants to be invited. But she doesn't want to ask, because she wasn't invited and she doesn't know the host. But she wants to go. She hates being left alone with boredom."

"You can tell that, by this expression?" a man asked, tilting his head towards the paused screen, the girls face longing, but everything else didn't fall into place.

"I've watched the movie, I know the story line."

"Well, yea. But all that emotion?"

"It's obvious, isn't it? She wants to go with him to where he's going."

Urban Dictionary, you give me self esteem

1. kristina
sexiest girl ever....she needs to stop looking in the mirror when she says sexy!
:)


1. loves
= love
oftentimes a greeting or farewell.
can be used with interweb jargin such as
*i loves AZNBOIS*
or something like
*i haz loves for you babe*


1. Daniel
This is a difficult name to define because it defies many boundaries of human perception, let alone various languages. One of the closest translations that experts give is God or many other variations of that general idea.
Other definitions are thought to be:
Tao
Chi
The Great Spirit
Chuck Norris
Energy
Infinity
Sublime
ect
Despite the fact that various names have been pinned to Daniel, its seems that all of the above examples (including that of God)cannot even withstand the magnitude of Daniel.
The reason this name continues to elude even the brightest of human minds is that the idea of Daniel cannot possibly exist in a dimensional state. Daniel is so powerful, it defies all laws of this or any other universe. Recent studies have shown that people who have attempted to comprehend this name have either disappeared, died spontaneously, or driven themselves into a pertinent state of insanity and/or catatonia. One common belief is that Daniel is possibly the grounds on which everything and nothing is based. It seems to surpass the idea of infinity. Quantum physicists report that this Daniel is Everything and Nothing. It or He is said to have unexplainable connections with the String and Superstring Theories as Daniel resonates within every single layer of the multi-dimensional complex and yet still exists beyond that point which is where scientists have lost the trail. Various theologists and spiritual leaders believe that Daniel is one who is, as they say, "The Answer". All attempts to understand this idea of Daniel have failed.
Daniel. Nothing else can describe him.


Holy molly, I'm in love with an indescribale figure.
See Daniel, I told you, you were awesome/perfect/the bestest

Yeah, yeaaaahhhhh

Thank you for not dodging photos anymore.

I love you.

Tomerarenai eraser rain

I wish my resolution was easier.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could start my social ring of friends all over again. Including the 'boy' friend. Maybe, changing who I trust with the knowledge I know now, will stop me from the constant hurt I feel and the constant urge to tell someone close. I don't trust anyone now. The one I trusted the most broke that, and the rest tell my secrets anyway.

Make me want it

Here's my hero. If he were a superhero, he'd be Batman. I say that mainly because he likes him more than Spiderman. If I could choose, he'd be Spidey. So much better. Regardless, he makes me happy. And that's what a hero of mine should do.

They're all infected

Dear 2010,

I enter you with a broken heart. It's tattered and torn and trashed. I'm a weaker person than I was last year. I'm even weaker than I've ever been. I feel more vunerable and insecure. Everything I question. Why won't he tell me. Why protect her; you didn't protect me. My head is full of hurtful questions that sting my heart. And each time you don't answer, the sting moves in deeper, spreading the venom more, instead of taking it out as you would a bee sting.

I hate myself for being like this. I wish I were like I was back in 2009. Or even 2008, before I had a chance of putting myself in the most vunerable position. I regret my choices, and most of all, my actions. I hate wanting to know, even though I know it'll kill me more.

I hate how he doesn't understand. How he's completely oblivous to everything I want to know. Instead he builds a wall I cannot climb. One tough enough I cannot break down. It's completely surrounds my goal, so I cannot walk around it. I am given no shovel, so I cannot go under it. This wall annoys me. I want to know. Even if its the most simpliest thing out of all the questions I've aready asked regarding it.

My heart hurts. My eyes are always blurring, and it's not because I'm not wearing my glasses. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I feel the timing's too wrong to end it now. End my constant suffering.

I really do hate you.