Have You____ Him yet?

You really don't know who means the world to you until they're gone. My best friend's moved even futherer away from me. And my reaction to this - curl up into a little ball and cry it away. But obviously, that never works. And there's always someone concerned about you. My boyfriend cared a lot; but I've been hurt my too many guys that I'm finding myself too scared to ever open myself up to a lover ever again. I told him this, he says he understands. But I don't know. I feel bad. He probably tells me everything he remembers, when I just sit there, dull faced. I think he can see this, in me. The sudden change. He's probably worring. And I don't want him to worry. But I just can't help it.
I don't know. I feel lonely. I miss my "BFF" He knows everything about me; or as much as he should know. He knows what my mother doesn't, but other than him, mother knows me the most.
Those are the only two people I can see myself giving me away too. And I wish I could do this towards my boyfriend... but it's so scary.
I've been abused, used, cheated on, cheated against, etc. I'm not what you'd call perfect. But to me, I am perfect. I'm perfect at being me. And no one else can be me.
And my friend's so curious about me doing anything with my boyfriend. I feel as if my privacy is deprived.
I don't know... kinda confusing.
Jeez, this blog's sounding emotional already.